Storm Area 51 Called Off—For Good Reason

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Organizers Behind “Alienfest” Decide Against Hosting “Humanitarian Disaster.”

I mean… we knew Storm Area 51 was a joke from the start, right? Well, some of us did, anyway. Unfortunately, when you tell jokes to the internets, a certain, yet significant portion of the populace that takes you seriously. The rule becomes especially true when you start telling jokes about aliens. Yep. Before chem-trails, anti-vaxers, Obama-turned-my-frog-gay-with-chemicals, flat-earthers, and even Moon-landing deniers, there were the alien conspiracy theorists.  

If both Darwin and Adam Smith were right, then wherever there are a group of people who are willing to believe an improbable thing, there will be another group of people out there willing to take advantage of those people. After all, the people who got rich during every gold rush were the people selling milk at $3/gallon. 

According to Buzzfeed and several other sources, however, the organizers of “Alienfest,” the phenomenon that sprang up in the wake of the viral Storm Area 51 Facebook group, then, have done a pretty “ferda” thing (to borrow a hockey term), at last, and called the whole mess off. 

 Storm Area 51 — The Fuss:

If you have no idea what I’m babbling on about, then you probably haven’t heard of the Storm Area 51 movement. I reported on it one day after I (quite literally) heard about it from a dude at a rock show I was playing. Sure enough, it was a thing

As of this writing, there is nothing on the Facebook page about calling the event off. However, the Alienstock website confirms that the September 20th event has been canceled. Promotors invoked Fyre Festival, claiming to not want their event to turn into a “potential humanitarian disaster.”

That phrase could have meant two different things. On one hand, there was, of course, the potential for a bunch of morons to go Naruto sprinting toward the gates of Area 51, which would have prompted an armed response from the Air Space Force. Period. They don’t put up with that S&^%.

On the other hand, there’s the fact that the small town of Rachel, NV was in no way prepared to handle even a fraction of the two million or so people who RSVP’d to the Storm Area 51 Facebook post. It would have been a nightmare. 

Chuck and Adam Were Right After All

Hotels and other service-related businesses in and around Rachel were preparing for a really large influx of consumers. I feel a little sorry for them if any of them were counting on this being a windfall. Mostly, though, I’m relieved that their town didn’t turn into Hell on Earth. Instead, the capitalist/socio-Darwinist nightmare moved where it belongs – one of my favorite cities: Las Vegas.

Alien jerky in Las Vegas

Alien jerky in Las Vegas

See, even if there weren’t really going to be two million people coming into Rachel next weekend, there probably would have been close to 10%, which is 20,000 people. Vegas can handle that kind of influx all day every day. In fact, I’m pretty sure it does. And Vegas is the perfect town for people with more dollars than sense. Sure there are fifteen hustlers on every street corner, but if you don’t know you’re being hustled in Vegas, then you deserve it. It is, after all, the American way. At least Vegas itself is honest about what it is. That’s why I love it so much.

Your Best Bet

So if you really just can’t wait to “see them aliens,” my suggestion would be to go into any of the nick-nack shops on Freemont Street and pick up an alien souvenir. That’s what you really want anyway. You don’t really want to know what’s in Area 51. Right now, Area 51 is like Schroedinger’s Cat. It either has classified information on alien intelligence (I doubt very seriously there are any bodies), or it doesn’t. If it does, do you really want to know? If it doesn’t, do you really want to know? My guess is you’d either be insane or disappointed after either option. Personally, I think beauty is in not knowing. 

alien exhibit in Roswell

Technically near Roswell, but you get the point.

Besides, if we don’t know, then Bonnie and Fred, an imaginary couple that own an imaginary roadside diner outside of Area 51 can still sell very real snowglobes with aliens in them. They can sell maps to UFO sighting locations. They can sell the best pecan pie you’ve ever eaten at an only slightly inflated price, along with a picture of you next to the “genuine mummified alien corpse” behind the glass display case in the corner. Leave the mystery out there. Bonnie and Fred need to save up money for a vacation next year. They want to go to Orlando. 

As for the aliens… We’re trying to get off of this rock. Why would they want it?

 

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Brandon Humphreys

Brandon Humphreys

I'm a wizard. I write stuff and it goes from my head into yours - Magic! Apart from that, I am the Senior Editor for Space Porn, a veteran, a rock guitarist, and a teacher.

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1 Response

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  2. Avatar Eric Vaughan says:

    The festival in Rachel Nevada is STILL HAPPENING. Please get your facts correct. Matty Robert’s and his partner left but the event is going on without them. 20 plus bands are booked to play.

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